"You won't have to worry about me soon enough." cryptic words uttered by my eldest Sunday morning... Soon after several notebook pages were left face up in the trash - obviously left there for our inspection.... This is what we found....
6 pages with the word DEATH -
2 pages Death is Happiness
6 pages Death a thing to Beauty
My Second Chance
A Thing of Beauty
This is my second chance
Not a plea for attention
only a cry for mercy
on this wretched soul
One way to find out
of leaving your body
A Doorway to
The other side
Heaven won't have me
and Hell is full
I think I've fount it
I just have to shake hands with
Monday was a good day for my eldest - she had fun with friends at school... She came home and watched an episode of one of her favorite shows... Consumed one of her favorite dinners... Went to her karate class and enjoyed herself.... Went out for a yogurt after class... All in all a good day... So I was surprised when she asked to speak with me privately...
My eldest walked into my room with a fist full of sleeping pills that she stole from me - about 20 pills and a full bottle of Benadryl pills.. She advised me that she planned on taking the pills after school today but decided against it. She said that she wanted to sleep forever but did not want to know what comes after death.... I did not know what to say - this was not our first thoughts of suicide dance... The next day I called her counselor - who was very concerned - he had recently lost a patient to suicide.. In my heart of hearts I did not and still do not believe my kid had any intention of killing herself... I believe that she takes things to the highest level not taking into consideration the ramifications of her words and/or actions...
I may have believed she wanted to die if she wasn't constantly laughing at TV shows... or if she wasn't constantly eating crap... or if her reasons for death didn't change every two minutes... One minute it's because she's sad and wants to leave this Earth... The next minute she just wants to know what it feels like... Her and her friends genre is death - it's a popular way of life/liking... I have several friends that like the dark side - it interests them - it doesn't mean that they want to die.... My kid's immaturity can't find a filter on how far to take things.... so she goes too far...
After the counselor spoke with my daughter - he believed she most likely was being dramatic for attention - but to be on the safe side he called a Centralized Assessment Team (CAT) to assess the situation. My husband spoke with the team and after a very detailed discussion they too believed that my kid was not at risk due to her current behavior - the lack of consistency and many other things...
For most of this entire year - I have felt like my daughter's mental illness was my fault.. Some how I did a really crappy job raising her... I must have done something so horrendous... She wasn't getting better... She acted out whenever she did not get her way or she was caught in the act of something wrong... I think the biggest eye opener for me was last May when she was put on restriction - so she went up to her room and found a razor blade and cut about 20 shallow cuts into her arm - deep enough to make blood run down her arms and then she came downstairs to get something to eat out of the kitchen - with the full intent of showing me what "I" made her do.... She knows now that her cutting doesn't "get to me" any longer so she stopped... Now it's the talk of death.... If she doesn't get what she wants or gets caught doing something wrong (ie: stealing) - she talks about death and implies that she will take her life....
There are many reasons I have been writing about my experience in this blog - I realized that I can't be the only mother going through this and from the responses I have received from many of my readers - I know that I am not alone. I have read some very wonderful emails and comments from other parents who have gone thru the same thing and now their kid's life is good.... It doesn't have to end badly.. I also use this blog as my outlet... Because honestly at this point in this journey - I am exhausted... I have to let it out somehow and it's better here in writing then going bonkers at my family...
If you are a prayer warrior - Please pray for my kid... thanks